Have you seen, heard or read the news lately? If not, you may not have a pulse. Everywhere you turn there is a new allegation about a high profile individual sexually harrassing, molesting or assaulting someone at some point in their career. I think we can all agree, something is VERY wrong here.
For people like me, these revelations are disgusting, but they are NOT shocking. While our country has been focused on heroin and prescription drug abuse and terrorism because of the alarming increase in deaths, we haven't explored much on how to "end" addiction, other than by attacking supply or researching scientific strategy. We also haven't been focusing on the other brewing storm, all too often interwoven with substance dependency... sex trafficking and child abuse.
What causes someone to become addicted to an opiate runs the gammet and can be, though not always, traced to a history of trauma, a genetic predisposition and/or environmental factors. Sometimes, however, there is nothing to point to but a seemingly helpful prescription for pain and the unintended changes the chemicals caused in the brain.
What if I told you I think addiction is a very human, very normal reaction? Does that thought make you uncomfortable, or even angry? The differences in each of us is about preferences and biological responses to our habits and experiences. It also comes down to reward and loss. If a person feels a "rush", aka reward, when engaging in an act, consuming or abusing a substance, but otherwise their life is pretty good and connections are strong, they are more likely to resist the compulsion to repeat if resulting in negative consequences. However, if the same individual is enduring a difficult period in life such as illness, isolation, job loss - would they be more likely to succumb to addiction? I would say yes, and science supports that. Opioids just happen to be a much harder habit to end on our own as it causes a physical and psychological enslavement. So, bottom line, some addictions are just more demanding, powerful and deadly than others.
Sex addiction is a process addiction
The renewed debate spurred by explosive headlines is on whether sex addiction is a real psychological disorder or, just gets down to poor impulse control, selfish behavior and immorality. I'm not a doctor but as a person who has identified a behavioral pattern in my own life and the lives of those I have cared for, I would say it's VERY real. But, we are NOT powerless. Sex addiction is the pursuit of euphoria or connection by sexual or amorous activity and/or attention, in spite of painful results for ourselves and others. But, do we possess empathy enough to NOT actively prey on others? Absolutely. Do we have a physiological tendency toward violence or power over a defenseless child???? Absolutely not. In fact, we are often running from that very scenario endured in our own lives.
Sexual Predators are NOT addicts!!! But then again, I'm not a doctor, but pretty sure they are just some things that need to be said so, I'll take one for the team!
As to sexual predators, the difference absolutely comes down to poor impulse control, distorted and immoral behavior and that is in direct opposition with fight or flight response to stimuli, which addiction is REALLY about. Frankly, I'm angry that as substance addicted and those living in recovery, we are being lumped together ... the victim and the predator. In fact, the thought is beyond reprehensible.
Getting to our root causes, healing a nation, starts with protecting our vulnerable.
Perhaps if we exacted the same cycle of abuse we suffered on others, I'd see a correlation. However, self soothing, numbing and vulnerability to chemical dependence is not a moral failing. It's in fact a survival mechanism and malformed coping strategy as a direct result of trauma like sexual abuse.
Americans have a tendency to prioritize a crisis based on who is impacted MOST.
Heroin laced with fentanyl... KILLS. Opioids in large quantities, KILL. But guess what else, KILLS?
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Overeating and/or eating a high fat diet is absolutely a deadly, addictive behavior and leads to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, arthritis and so on ...
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Alcoholism (need I say more?)
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Social media and internet addiction (leads to loss of real connection, loss of reality, anxiety, etc.)
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Workaholism and perfectionism (leads to broken homes and suicidal tendencies in some cases)
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Fanatical devotion to cult like religion (leads to terrorism in certain cases)
I think each of us fall into at least one category or more. Begs the question then, why is stigma even a "thing"? Furthermore, why are we not addressing the real issue for most of us, the loss of direction and purpose in this country? Increasingly reduced quality of life ?
People who become "sober" from chemical substances but who do not follow up with a program and/or counseling, become susceptible to process addictions like high risk sexual behavior and overreating. Why? Because the 'root' has not been treated.
Time for a call to action on America's most insidious and destructive secret...
I'll conclude with these thoughts.
Child abuse and sex trafficking is a malignant cancer in our world today. It is the horrific reality of staggering numbers of innocent children and adults. Yet, is this making front page news ? No. What of the underreported and yet devastating wreckage of incest and molestation by family members or friends??? America's sickest secret is our victimized and you know what they say - We are as sick as our secrets.
America is and will always be a country of excess with a tendency toward overconsumption of any and EVERY thing, until we get down to what makes us tick. Sadly, my daughter's brain reacted to opioids differently than others and it killed her as it has hundreds of thousands. But what drove us to seek refuge in a substance over existence? We were in pain. Suffering, whether physical or emotional is still SUFFERING.
America, what if we became more proactive versus reactive, could we "end" the pandemic?
In the meantime, I believe our most deadly crisis is NOT heroin or terrorism, it's our secrets. Our biggest most shameful one? Ignoring our children and the escalation of sexual abuse in our world. If we stay on this path, we will continue to see escalating death to newer and stronger drugs. Law enforcement has applied maximum force to reducing supply of illicit substances with minimal progress and will echo this sentiment ...
WHERE THERE IS DEMAND, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SUPPLY!!!
Note:
I am not a medical expert. This article is based on my extensive personal and professional experience as a child abuse and sexual assault survivor, mother of a sexual assault victim who is now deceased as a result of an overdose. I am the daughter of a victim of sex assault at the hands of her own father. I am a former addict in recovery. I am an advocate and activist for those struggling with addiction, abused children, survivors of sexual assault and domestic abuse survivors.
What do you immediately think of when you hear the word, "holiday"? The English mean vacation when they say, "going on holiday". For most Americans, our thoughts dart to a day off from work or school and to family traditions.
For those of us that grieve for loved ones, life is divided into before and after. I lost my parents at a young age so my before for their memory is limited. However, after losing my daughter, my brain made the choice on it's own to section off time. I was different now and there was nothing I could do about that, no matter how hard I tried .
BEFORE children, BEFORE Kirstyn left us
With parents: I hardly remember much about holidays but a plastic Barbie or two and gifts delivered through the mail by a grandmother in Texas. We were poor. We survived on my mother's meager waitress tips, my stepdad's cotton truck driving job and their low level pot dealing. We ate pot pies and peanut butter sandwiches. We were in constant upheaval, moving several times in a short period to places like a trailer in the middle of the desert with no one else in sight. But, we felt LOVED.
With grandparents: The first Christmas was over the top. They said my grandfather went in debt trying to make it a good experience since we had lost our parents the year before. Their friends and the folks at the church they attended gave as well. It was overwhelming. I loved to read and there were so many books. It was a good first memory, or as good as possible, given the situation. That would be the last Christmas it was this way.
Each year after, Thanksgiving and Christmas were days off from abuse, not much more. The home would be full of visitors so they would be distracted by their pretense. Still, we had better be on our best behavior and stay out of sight or we would be very sorry. The punishment would be especially bad since they were forced to contain their anger until everyone had gone . Yet, I still have fond memories of the generosity and love from my grandmother's son who was grown and living in Richmond, Va. He gave us our first bicycles. Once he was married, the generosity didn't stop. His wife was silly and childlike and would tell us funny stories. Their gifts were thoughtful and we loved them. They were our angels then.
Raised in the wild: I didn't live there long and after the courts placed me in foster care, I had one good Christmas with my foster parents. Just like when our parents died, the foster parents tried to compensate for my being apart from family. The year after, my foster father sexually abused me and , life changed.
In and out of foster care, group homes, rehabs, youth centers, hospitals, on the run... That was my childhood. One Christmas was spent a few hours at a friend's and a few more in an Arlington crack house doing coke.
My children
One would think I would have no idea HOW to do holidays given THAT childhood. Funny enough, it came natural to me and I tried my best to make the memories as pleasant as possible for my children .
Thanksgiving was my kids' favorite holiday. I would go all out and make 3 meats, every typical side and desserts. It was us, me and them, as even when I was with a partner, it felt like they were the outsider. After my grandfather died, I made amends with my grandmother for a while and would sometimes visit her and sisters on Thanksgiving. She was very different then. She was softer, warmer and treated me with respect, like a guest of honor. But I guess it just wasn't enough to forgive and I eventually returned to a hostile state.
Christmas involved spending an equal amount of money on an equal number of gifts for each child, like many American homes. My kids would sneak to find their gifts before Christmas, just like every child. I would buy the best tree I could afford and I made a point of decorating it as they preferred, colorful and well lit. For a few years we would celebrate 2 cultures, Christmas Eve with my son's family from Mexico and then Christmas day at home. Christmas day was amazing, starting by waking up WAY early and digging right in.
It was magical. It was better than being a child. I was more excited than they were and happier to give than to receive. It filled my heart with so much innocence.
As my addiction took hold, the Christmas tree and those traditions were lost in my darkness. But I still tried as best as I could to pull it off.
After KIRSTYN
No Christmas tree. No Thanksgiving. No traditions, just another day . What I wouldn't do to go back... I can't. What I wouldn't do to correct the course of events... I cannot . What I wouldn't do to be grateful everyday and know I was so blessed to have the life I had, in spite of hardships. I can't. The last Christmas I had with both children was spent running around looking for a 24 hour pharmacy to fill a fake prescription. The day was cold and overcast and a premonition of things to come.
After Ally
My son is now married and has a beautiful, sweet little girl. He will create his own traditions and despite the strained relationship between us, I know it will be okay one day. He has a longing for connection and family and he wants the same for his daughter. He has a large family on his dad's side and his wife also has a large family. He enjoys the hustle and bustle and family invading your personal space. He sees the importance of this now and he's determined to provide that for his daughter.
I respect him immensely for that and I'm so happy he has that opportunity for his child.
He will miss his sister and have the "what ifs" forever, but, he is marching on in strength for himself and his family, as his sister would want.
Ally will enjoy those holidays and God willing, carry on the same when she becomes a mother.
I will indulge my family as I did before but with a difference. I'm the walking wounded and I'll never be the same. My little moment of innocence is gone, or so I thought . When I sat on the floor playing ball with Ally earlier this year, I felt that stirring again. It is the feelings of love, renewal and innocence. I also felt Kirstyn's playful spirit all around.
Traditon
Whoever reads this, I have 3 things I want you to know.
1) No matter who has hurt you, forgiveness is love for yourself, not them and it lightens your burden. They know what they did, your grudge won't make it worse for anyone BUT you.
2) Be grateful for this moment right now . It's a beautiful memory or ... a sad lesson but once the moment has passed, it can't be altered. It's HISTORY.
3) You can break the cycle. No matter what you've lived through, the future starts with you.
4) Being a parent is the most important job of your life. You are personally responsible for the soul that impacts future. No matter what you have suffered, you must put on your game face and do this right.
5) Love your time with family, you may never get the chance again.
With gratitude to my children, thank you for giving me innocence and love. To Ally, I'll spoil you to pieces, someday. Until then, thank you for the gift of HOPE.
